token black

“your English is so good, she’s so well spoken”

“she’s so well adjusted”

“you look healthy!”

resilient. assimilation. third culture kid.

i moved to the united states at age 10

i remember the week or the night before we left for another continent, a friend of mine (i wish i remembered your name) gave me a word of caution. “you need to be careful cause i know a black person who was stabbed at a bus stop in america just because they were black”

this changed everything

for me moving to the united states meant:

• i will never have to see my abusers again
• i will feel safe
• we will have a house with a picket fence (LEGITIMATELY THOUGHT THIS)
• i will see and play with snow
• would start in Minnesota and end up in New York City

the “advice” given to me at the absolute last minute truly shattered the hopefulness i had

but regardless…it’s america…it’s bound to be lit minus the possibility of getting stabbed for being black

the arrival…we were staying with my uncle but he was different…

i remembered him as fun, cool…loving towards me but now he just seemed distant…working ridiculous hours to provide us comfort

my mother going back home to tidy up our affairs

my sister feeling like a stranger to me

an idealization of my brother cause i never felt we got enough time to hang out

and the anxiety….god the anxiety….

some things are still too painful to revisit

i am proud of myself for making it this far.

**inspiration**