it’s okay to be okay
i’ve been embarrassed to do what is necessary for me to feel okay
i didn’t feel that i deserved a break because nothing in my life was “that bad”
but when i say that it doesn’t feel truthful
it sounds like every cliche of every person who has had to survive…surviving
i hate repeating other people’s words, sometimes i think that i truly need to create my own language…and i’m quite inspired by ‘jique’ but let’s get back to it
things can always be worse, right?
do not get me wrong, there is a lot of ‘worse’ going on
in every way we are all experiencing worse
my only hope is that all I’m claiming for December 21st 2020 comes to fruition…iykyk
digressing but now continuing again,
we have been trained, and trained, and trained, to believe that there is only one path
i really thought being strong solely came from internalizing unfair hardships and then vomiting love all over and if you vomit just right, the people will lap it up…ever had to throw up mike’s hard lemonade? that is the kind of vomit and yet, so many were happy to lick it up for me…and it felt nice to be gross and licked after…(you chose to read this)
but in return i sold pieces of my soul
i had to part with those pieces and construct something new in place
and i like what i made for myself because it was tiresome holding pieces in spots that they didn’t fit. let me be an isosceles in peace.
any way
continuing
sometimes when i look back, it’s hard to see through the dark
there are memories that still have such a physical impact
they are ingrained. in my bones. in pink matter. in super rich kids. in references to being cool enough not to be hurt.
“they took your power and your voice”
it takes away the safety you should be able to feel within yourself
imagine wanting to be outside yourself, at all times, so much so that you actually leave your body and start watching life happen to you
nothing feels safe, you stop caring and you let the lull of detaching take you
now you don’t care about dreams. lovers. friends. family. life. the chance to experience a sunrise and a sunset. a chance to complain that it’s cold and no kenyan needs to live anywhere but the equator…
it is a selfish and lonely place to be…but you are a shining light in the lives of those who truly love and care about you
but i kept choosing friends who would cry because they were the only white people at a party or club…go where you are celebrated and not tolerated my friends
that conversation is more nuanced and shall be revisited
continuing
there are glimmers of light
a path to the answers i need to explain the past
but the closer i get to that light, i’m thrust into the eye of an unimaginable storm…the one that just reminds me of everything unforgivable that i have done with my hands, allowed to pass through my lips…drinking the poison and expecting them to die as they say.
guilt. shame. anger. sadness. all whipping past and absolutely destroying my mind, body and spirit. and it’s cyclical. you have the key to life. then you don’t. and things are in shambles only for you to get back to you have the key to life. then you don’t. and things are in shambles only for you to get back to you have the key to life….
but the story cannot end here. this is not where my story ends. “cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”